Causing Harm (Recorded)

I once had a friend ask me this question: How do I understand (know) if I are causing harm to others?

This was difficult for me to answer because honestly, I don’t always know. I had to learn social norms by trial and error, getting into trouble or making people angry with me because I did not fully understand the impact my actions had on those around me. People are complicated, and for those of us who struggle to understand the intricacies of human relations it can be very frustrating.

I have often caused harm or hurt someone’s feelings and not known it. I had to be told. While we can not always know if what we are doing or saying is harmful, I believe what is more important is what we do once we know that we have caused harm. If someone becomes upset, we need to let go of our pride and ask if we said/ did something that hurt them. We need to be willing to apologize and ask for forgiveness, even if in our minds we were not doing anything wrong or unkind. What hurts one person may not hurt someone else.

I feel like I should have a clever maxim or something to wrap this up, but I don’t. Maybe a pithy saying that could go on a t-shirt or cat poster. Ah well, such is life. Bottom line, you are going to mess up human interactions, and that’s okay. Remember that when you are asking others for forgiveness, forgive yourself too.

Writers Block (Don’t Record)

I started this blog with the idea that I would share my journey as anautistic adults but almost as soon as I started I could not think of anything to write about. It’s not that nothing is happening, it’s that nothing inspiring is happening. I’m on bed rest for the next 8 weeks so I’ll be working from home, I’m trying to learn a new way to manage my time, and I’ve been seeing a bunch of doctors. When I started this I thought I would have thoughts worth sharing, but this is all I have. I am going to post this anyway, and I hope that next time I will find something more substantial to say.

It’s okay to be meh (Recorded)

“How are you doing, how are you?” This well-meaning question has often been a problem for me in my life. It has often been a source of anxiety. I know that this is something that “normal” people say to each other, I have learned that I am supposed to ask this question as well. I know that we are supposed to care about each other, and we show this by asking people about the state of their lives and health. But here is the problem, I often don’t know what I am feeling. When people ask me how I am, I often don’t know what to say. Sometimes I respond with, “I don’t know how but I am”, which apparently is considered to be rude. People assumed that I am trying to be clever, and I supposed that I am. The reality is that this answer is often the most accurate one. Sometimes I will state that I am okay or that I am alright, usually without must emotion. I have learned that this is not the right answer either. I have often been met with a concerned, “Just okay? What’s wrong?”. Then I try to think about what is wrong. I have learned that when you look for problems you find them. So then I start talking about whatever is wrong in my life, which is met with pop-psychology nonsense designed to make me feel better so that I can be as pseudo-cheerful as the rest of the world. When I am out running errands I have intentionally avoided people I know, even people I really like just so that I don’t have to deal with this situation. Especially if I am already in a near shutdown or burntout state.

Over time I learned that the “correct” answer to the how-are-you question is “I’m great!” Or “I am well, thank you” (said with a big smile). After years of observing other “normal” people, I have realized that no one is supposed to be anything other than great. If you are not great, that is a problem that needs to be fixed. You are not supposed to just be okay, and feeling meh is not acceptable. Apparently we are supposed to be positive 24/7 and if we are not then we need to find a way to get back to that state of mind. Yoga. Meditation. Medication. Alcohol. Whatever brings you back to euphoria is what you need to do so that you can be fun to be around.

But what if that’s not true? What is so wrong with feeling neutral? What is wrong with not knowing how you feel? Why do we have to feel pressured to come up with an answer that makes other people happy? That’s what makes “normal” people so exhausting, there are so many expectations that everyone seems to know but no one gave me the rule book so I am constantly second-guessing everything I say and do. What I need to do is stop trying so hard to fit in with “normal” people, because it hasn’t worked in 39 years anyway. I need to just tell people I don’t know how I am instead of trying to say what I think they want to hear.

And that, my fellow humans, is my ramble/ rant about the greeting “how are you?”. I wonder if other autistic people have this problem with being asked how they are or how they are feeling.

Why start a blog?

That’s a great question. In a world where everybody is out there sharing their opinions, thoughts, ideas and bad jokes, why am I putting more stuff out into the universe for people to sift through? Honestly, I am not even sure how many people will even find this blog and read it. If that happens to be you, then welcome.

I suppose I should introduce myself. My name is Sam, and I am an autistic adult with Systemic Lupus Era, ari,….hang on let me ask Siri how to spell the last bit. Ah yes, Erythematosus. I remember why people just say Lupus or SLE now. Anyway I have that mess. I just found this out last summer, that being the summer of 2020, the year I turned 39. I am a teacher, which to me is the best job in the world. Teaching and how people develop is one of my special interests. Which, by the way is my first official autism pro tip: Find a way to make your special interest your job (so long as it is legal and doesn’t violate your moral code). I am married (14 year as of 2020), and we have three children (and a dog). That’s probably enough for my first post and should give you enough of an idea as to whether or not you like my writing style to come back and see what other nonsense I decide to write about.

Cheers,

Sam