Sharing Your Creativity (Recorded)

Have you ever been in a group setting, maybe at school, work, church or an open mic night where you were invited to share something you created? Maybe someone suggested you start a blog (are those still a thing?, YouTube/ TikTok channel or a podcast. Maybe you want to but can’t bear to take that step. I get it, being creative is one thing. Being creative in front of people is something else entirely. It can be very intimidating, “Turns the legs to jelly”, as Thanos would say.

“I love creating, it’s the sharing that frightens me”

While I have rarely felt afraid to try something new, the act of sharing my creations with others is terrifying. For example, it took me over a year to start this blog and podcast, and it took several months before I dared to share it with people, and even then it has only been a very small group of people who were invited to listen/ read at first. Whatever my creative obsession is at the moment, be it custom sneakers, building furniture, writing stories, songs or poems or making digital content I’m super excited until the time comes to put my work out there for the world to see. I love creating, it’s the sharing that frightens me.

Here’s why: When you share what you create you are sharing a part of you. Your heart, emotions your very soul laid bare for others to see. There can be nothing more frightening than that. If they reject your creation, it can feel like they are rejecting a part of you. If they criticize, it is as if they are looking deep into your soul and declaring you unworthy of love and understanding. While we may not verbalize it this way, it is as if we know that once people reject what we create, we will end up alone and unloved, jobless, penniless, living under a bridge with a homeless guy named Gill who shares is daily catch of rats with you so you have something to eat while muttering about being an undiscovered artist. Maybe that’s just me.

I think I drove that point into and under the ground.

But (of course there is a but).

When we share what we create, we bring light into the world. When we share our creative work we are sharing our hearts, our souls with those around us. That’s what is awesome about creativity. We get to play with that divine spark that resides in all of us, we get to tap into the same energy that brought our world into being. We bring light into the dark wasteland inhabited by those “cold and timid souls who know neither victory not defeat” #maninthearena. We position ourselves to inspire, lift up, challenge and encourage those who encounter our work. Our bared souls demand a response!

(getting a bit melodramatic but you get my point)

The world needs you. The world needs your creativity. Be it in business, painting, comedy, sculpture, dance, music, poetry, macaroni art, video, t-shirts, stickers, unicorn hats, stories, house building, or being a paintball trampoline basketball player (It’s not what it sounds like, it’s basketball, but you have paintball guns and the court is a giant trampoline).

I am aware that I left something very important out. I left out the part where I teach you how to conquer your fear of sharing your creativity. There is a reason for that.

I didn’t tell you how to get over the fear because I don’t know how. I have not conquered my fear. I am afraid right now as I write this, the anticipation of sharing this with you (whoever you are) is scary. But here I am, doing it anyway. I don’t know if the fear will ever go away, but so long as it’s not crippling fear I will keep going. You should to.

Alright friends it’s time for your next adventure,

I’ll miss you

Demand Avoidance (Recorded)

”I hate my brain”, “I hate the way I am”, “I’m stupid”, “I’m a failure”.

I have heard these statements from my neurodivergent students from time to time, and today was a day when I said it about myself.

Today is ”vulnerability: let’s get real“ day.

I let someone down.

Where to start.

I had an opportunity presented to me with a very short time to accept or reject, but saying yes to that opportunity would cause me to let a client, who was also family, down. Not only that but the opportunity created a disruption in my life at a time when everything was out of sync in every area of my life and I was in constant anxiety. Paralyzed by the situation, I knew I should talk with them but I didn’t know what to say. I lingered in paralysis while the situation unfolded around me. I had meltdowns and suffered an autoimmune flare all because I didn’t know how to handle the situation. Then the decision was made and I had to face them. Naturally they were upset, not only were they my clients and my family but I consider them to be friends. Needless to say there was a loss of trust in my abilities as a professional, and it had a negative impact on our relationship. I wanted to tell them about what was going on in my head, what was going on in my life and how being autistic makes it vary hard for me to deal with situations like this well but I didn’t know what to do or what to say. Because in moments like this I have learned the hard way that no one cares.

Even if people know I am autistic, as an adult no one wants to hear about my autism when I am I mess up because it just sounds like an excuse. When people are upset with me, they don’t care about my issues, they expect me to function like a neurotypical where they are involved. So when I talked with them, I couldn’t even tell them what was really going on with me. It was like when I was a child in trouble with my parents all over again. So I just went with the script of shame, I didn’t defend myself or advocate for myself I just let them be mad at me and tell me how awful I am. I didn’t waste time trying to explain what was going on in my head or why I struggle with these kind of situations. I just agreed that I was wrong while in my head berating myself for being a terrible unprofessional person who shouldn’t be in business for himself. Because I am, right.

Well not exactly.

What I experienced is called Demand Avoidance, and it is something that neurodivergent people struggle with all the time.

According to authors Koegel, Singh and Koegel in their 2010 research paper ”Frustration and Task Avoidance in Students with Autism Spectrum Disorder”, they discuss how it is common for autistic students to shut down when presented with stressful and difficult tasks. While this article was written about autistic children and task avoidance, the reality is that autistic children grow up to be autistic adults. I am not citing this as an excuse, but it is a reminder that I am not alone when it comes to this type of situation.

Autistic people may avoid demands or situations that trigger anxiety or sensory overload, disrupt routines, involve transitioning from one activity to another, and activities/events that they don’t see the point of or have any interest in.

They may refuse, withdraw, ‘shutdown’ or escape in order to avoid these things.

For those who work with or help autistic children and adults, helpful approaches include addressing sensory issues, helping them adjust to new situations (for instance by using visuals or social stories), keeping to a predictable routine as much as possible, and giving them plenty of notice about any changes and help them know that sometimes, avoiding the task or situation might be the right thing to do.

This was not an easy thing to walk through, and honestly, maybe I should not be in business for myself if things like this can happen. That or I need someone to be in business with me who understands my autism and can come alongside me in those moments and help me through it. I have that at work, people who are safe that I can go to when I need support.

As hard as this is right now, I know that everything is going to be okay. Everything in me is telling me that I need to give up any dreams of starting a business or working for myself in the future. But I won’t. I know that I got in my own way today, and I will get in my own way again. But I can’t give up. This is not the death of my vision, but it is a very painful lesson. I can do this I just can’t do this alone. I don’t know how, but I need to find people I can be myself around, people who can partner with me and dream with me. People who will make space for the best and worst of who I am. I have begun to find those people, I just need to invite them to play a larger role in my life if they want to.

My dreams are still possible, this is not the end. Even though it feels like it today.

So this was a bit real, possibly too real but I know I am not alone in this. If you have ever gone through a similar situation I would love to hear from you. You can find me on instagram @mrmaxwellteaches, or @samumaxwell.

Alright friends it’s time for your next adventure,

I’ll miss you

Unmasking (Recorded)

I recently watched the movie Luca, a movie about identity and how we often hide that identity from the world. Warning there are spoilers in this post so if you haven’t seen it, go watch it and then come back. I’m not going to get into the details of the story but basically the story is about a young sea monster named Luca who lives in the ocean near a town in Italy. He befriends another sea monster named Alberto, and discovers that on land they can transform to look like normal humans. They have adventures in a town that hates and fears sea monsters which forces them to constantly be on guard against someone discovering what they truly are.

At the climax of the story, Luca reveals his true self to the townspeople. In that scene, two old women reveal they are also sea monsters to the town as well. What struck me about this moment was that throughout the movie, we see these two old ladies walking around town living their lives. No one in town knew the truth about their identity. I realized that they had lived their entire lives in hiding, never letting anyone know who they were. A crucial part of their identity was hidden from the world, which caused them to live in isolation while being surrounded by people. They looked human, but they were not. To reveal who they truly were would most likely have resulted in death. They spent their entire lives in fear and hiding.

I was diagnosed autistic last year, along with Lupus, a chronic autoimmune disease. While undiagnosed I also have ADHD. After a lifetime of feeling like I didn’t belong to the world I lived in I finally understood why. It was like Loki discovering that he was actually a frost giant or if I had been raised human only to discover that I was actually a sea monster or from another planet. I say this because when I learned that I was autistic so many things about myself made sense, I realized that the labels I had lived under were wrong. I was able to make adjustments to how I lived my life and work with who I am instead of wasting time trying to be “normal”.

Now that I have discovered the truth about myself, I have a choice. I can leave my fidgets, headphones and sensory friendly clothes at home and walk out the door pretending to be just another healthy neurotypical. I can avoid posting things on social media about autism, Lupus or ADHD. Or I can be honest about who and I am and live my life. Openly. Honestly. Authentically.

I don’t want to be like those old ladies, I don’t want to live in hiding.

So I posted my diagnoses on my profile pages, I began to share my story both in my personal life and my professional life. I am a teacher and every time I see a student’s head lift a little higher when they see me being openly autistic, openly ADHD, openly living with an autoimmune disease it gives me the courage to try and share a little bit more. Every time I see a parent realize that their child will be okay after meeting me and hearing my story I am convinced that the more I share, the more people I can bring hope to. Because my life is not only about me (philosophy #4).

Whatever you are going though, there are probably at least three other people dealing with the same thing. When you are open about who you are and what your struggles are you give others courage to do the same. You put yourself in a position to spread hope to a world in desperate search of it.

Alright friends it’s time for your next adventure,

I’ll miss you

Human Relationships (Recorded)

I recently had a friend ask me if they should stay with (or around) people who say they care about them, but don’t show it.

This is a tricky one. Humans and human relations are complicated, at least for me. So as with most of my answers, it depends. For example, I have friends who say they care about me but often don’t show it. I would say that I am still friends with them, but I don’t break my back trying to connect with them. If I don’t see them for months, that’s okay. I just don’t cling to the idea of us being close friends. You can have a friendly connection with someone without them being your best friend. In reality, we have various levels of relationships in our lives and we need them all.

You should have close friends, friends and colleagues in your life. You will often have more colleagues or acquaintances than friends, and more friends than close friends.

We have some people in our lives who are close friends, like the one you call when something awesome or awful happens or for no reason at all. They are the ones who hold you when you cry, make you feel safe/ free to be who you are and will get in your way if they truly feel that you are doing something that might hurt yourself. Never let those people go, they are the ones who would walk through fire for you. These are the friendships that have no (or nearly no) boundaries.

Next we have the friends we see on a regular basis at social events, work or school. They are the friends who are fun to be around, you love them and they love you but are not the ones you rely on for the serious things in life. You might not be able to tell them everything, and that’s okay. They are still your friends, there are just some boundaries to the friendship. You never know, when a true crisis hits some of them might turn out to be more on your side than you realize.

Then we have people we see at events, work or school who we are cool with, but we’re not gonna try and hang out with them outside of where we normally see them. These people are more colleagues or acquaintances then friends. Again, nothing wrong with that. Those people make our obligations (work, school) and community more enjoyable. Again, there may be times when they surprise you. I have had people in my life that I thought were just acquaintances who stepped up and cared for me when no one else was able to.

The person you choose to date or spend the rest of your life with is in an entirely different category. If I was dating someone, and they did not show that they cared about me, I would break off the relationship, suggest that what we have is more of a friend thing. Who you date and ultimately marry is one of the most important relationships you will ever have. I have been married for 15 years, and my wife and I have been together for 18 years, known each other for 20 years. Think about that. 20 years of my life has had Mrs. Maxwell in it. Our marriage is one of the most important parts of my life. So if I felt that she was starting to not care for me, I would try and talk with her about it, I would also examine myself to see if there is something that I have done to damage the relationship. It is always easier to look at what the other person is doing wrong in a relationship than to see where have gone off track. Sometimes it isn’t you, but in most cases you need to at least pause to see if there is anything you need to work on. I know that I left a lot out here, maybe down the road we can have a better conversation about dating and marriage.

Now with family, like parents and siblings, there really is only so much you can do. You can choose to cut them out of your life, but this is a very serious step and I would recommend that you have very good reasons for doing so. Sometimes it is the only course, but never one to take rashly. Frankly, once you are out living your own life you will only see your family as often as you want.

While all of these relationships matter, I would argue that the most important one is with yourself. Take the time to know who your are, love and accept who you are while challenging yourself to grow. Be honest about who and where you are in life. If you are comfortable with yourself, then how will you know what part of you to defend? If you don’t care for yourself, why bother getting upset when other people don’t treat you well? Know who you are, know your worth. Everything starts with you.

Let me know if this was helpful if you have any other questions I might try and tackle for you.

It’s time for your next adventure, I’ll talk to you soon.

-Sam

It’s okay to be meh (Recorded)

“How are you doing, how are you?” This well-meaning question has often been a problem for me in my life. It has often been a source of anxiety. I know that this is something that “normal” people say to each other, I have learned that I am supposed to ask this question as well. I know that we are supposed to care about each other, and we show this by asking people about the state of their lives and health. But here is the problem, I often don’t know what I am feeling. When people ask me how I am, I often don’t know what to say. Sometimes I respond with, “I don’t know how but I am”, which apparently is considered to be rude. People assumed that I am trying to be clever, and I supposed that I am. The reality is that this answer is often the most accurate one. Sometimes I will state that I am okay or that I am alright, usually without must emotion. I have learned that this is not the right answer either. I have often been met with a concerned, “Just okay? What’s wrong?”. Then I try to think about what is wrong. I have learned that when you look for problems you find them. So then I start talking about whatever is wrong in my life, which is met with pop-psychology nonsense designed to make me feel better so that I can be as pseudo-cheerful as the rest of the world. When I am out running errands I have intentionally avoided people I know, even people I really like just so that I don’t have to deal with this situation. Especially if I am already in a near shutdown or burntout state.

Over time I learned that the “correct” answer to the how-are-you question is “I’m great!” Or “I am well, thank you” (said with a big smile). After years of observing other “normal” people, I have realized that no one is supposed to be anything other than great. If you are not great, that is a problem that needs to be fixed. You are not supposed to just be okay, and feeling meh is not acceptable. Apparently we are supposed to be positive 24/7 and if we are not then we need to find a way to get back to that state of mind. Yoga. Meditation. Medication. Alcohol. Whatever brings you back to euphoria is what you need to do so that you can be fun to be around.

But what if that’s not true? What is so wrong with feeling neutral? What is wrong with not knowing how you feel? Why do we have to feel pressured to come up with an answer that makes other people happy? That’s what makes “normal” people so exhausting, there are so many expectations that everyone seems to know but no one gave me the rule book so I am constantly second-guessing everything I say and do. What I need to do is stop trying so hard to fit in with “normal” people, because it hasn’t worked in 39 years anyway. I need to just tell people I don’t know how I am instead of trying to say what I think they want to hear.

And that, my fellow humans, is my ramble/ rant about the greeting “how are you?”. I wonder if other autistic people have this problem with being asked how they are or how they are feeling.