”I hate my brain”, “I hate the way I am”, “I’m stupid”, “I’m a failure”.
I have heard these statements from my neurodivergent students from time to time, and today was a day when I said it about myself.
Today is ”vulnerability: let’s get real“ day.
I let someone down.
Where to start.
I had an opportunity presented to me with a very short time to accept or reject, but saying yes to that opportunity would cause me to let a client, who was also family, down. Not only that but the opportunity created a disruption in my life at a time when everything was out of sync in every area of my life and I was in constant anxiety. Paralyzed by the situation, I knew I should talk with them but I didn’t know what to say. I lingered in paralysis while the situation unfolded around me. I had meltdowns and suffered an autoimmune flare all because I didn’t know how to handle the situation. Then the decision was made and I had to face them. Naturally they were upset, not only were they my clients and my family but I consider them to be friends. Needless to say there was a loss of trust in my abilities as a professional, and it had a negative impact on our relationship. I wanted to tell them about what was going on in my head, what was going on in my life and how being autistic makes it vary hard for me to deal with situations like this well but I didn’t know what to do or what to say. Because in moments like this I have learned the hard way that no one cares.
Even if people know I am autistic, as an adult no one wants to hear about my autism when I am I mess up because it just sounds like an excuse. When people are upset with me, they don’t care about my issues, they expect me to function like a neurotypical where they are involved. So when I talked with them, I couldn’t even tell them what was really going on with me. It was like when I was a child in trouble with my parents all over again. So I just went with the script of shame, I didn’t defend myself or advocate for myself I just let them be mad at me and tell me how awful I am. I didn’t waste time trying to explain what was going on in my head or why I struggle with these kind of situations. I just agreed that I was wrong while in my head berating myself for being a terrible unprofessional person who shouldn’t be in business for himself. Because I am, right.
Well not exactly.
What I experienced is called Demand Avoidance, and it is something that neurodivergent people struggle with all the time.
According to authors Koegel, Singh and Koegel in their 2010 research paper ”Frustration and Task Avoidance in Students with Autism Spectrum Disorder”, they discuss how it is common for autistic students to shut down when presented with stressful and difficult tasks. While this article was written about autistic children and task avoidance, the reality is that autistic children grow up to be autistic adults. I am not citing this as an excuse, but it is a reminder that I am not alone when it comes to this type of situation.
Autistic people may avoid demands or situations that trigger anxiety or sensory overload, disrupt routines, involve transitioning from one activity to another, and activities/events that they don’t see the point of or have any interest in.
They may refuse, withdraw, ‘shutdown’ or escape in order to avoid these things.
For those who work with or help autistic children and adults, helpful approaches include addressing sensory issues, helping them adjust to new situations (for instance by using visuals or social stories), keeping to a predictable routine as much as possible, and giving them plenty of notice about any changes and help them know that sometimes, avoiding the task or situation might be the right thing to do.
This was not an easy thing to walk through, and honestly, maybe I should not be in business for myself if things like this can happen. That or I need someone to be in business with me who understands my autism and can come alongside me in those moments and help me through it. I have that at work, people who are safe that I can go to when I need support.
As hard as this is right now, I know that everything is going to be okay. Everything in me is telling me that I need to give up any dreams of starting a business or working for myself in the future. But I won’t. I know that I got in my own way today, and I will get in my own way again. But I can’t give up. This is not the death of my vision, but it is a very painful lesson. I can do this I just can’t do this alone. I don’t know how, but I need to find people I can be myself around, people who can partner with me and dream with me. People who will make space for the best and worst of who I am. I have begun to find those people, I just need to invite them to play a larger role in my life if they want to.
My dreams are still possible, this is not the end. Even though it feels like it today.
So this was a bit real, possibly too real but I know I am not alone in this. If you have ever gone through a similar situation I would love to hear from you. You can find me on instagram @mrmaxwellteaches, or @samumaxwell.
Alright friends it’s time for your next adventure,
I’ll miss you
Mr. Maxwell 