Demand Avoidance (Recorded)

”I hate my brain”, “I hate the way I am”, “I’m stupid”, “I’m a failure”.

I have heard these statements from my neurodivergent students from time to time, and today was a day when I said it about myself.

Today is ”vulnerability: let’s get real“ day.

I let someone down.

Where to start.

I had an opportunity presented to me with a very short time to accept or reject, but saying yes to that opportunity would cause me to let a client, who was also family, down. Not only that but the opportunity created a disruption in my life at a time when everything was out of sync in every area of my life and I was in constant anxiety. Paralyzed by the situation, I knew I should talk with them but I didn’t know what to say. I lingered in paralysis while the situation unfolded around me. I had meltdowns and suffered an autoimmune flare all because I didn’t know how to handle the situation. Then the decision was made and I had to face them. Naturally they were upset, not only were they my clients and my family but I consider them to be friends. Needless to say there was a loss of trust in my abilities as a professional, and it had a negative impact on our relationship. I wanted to tell them about what was going on in my head, what was going on in my life and how being autistic makes it vary hard for me to deal with situations like this well but I didn’t know what to do or what to say. Because in moments like this I have learned the hard way that no one cares.

Even if people know I am autistic, as an adult no one wants to hear about my autism when I am I mess up because it just sounds like an excuse. When people are upset with me, they don’t care about my issues, they expect me to function like a neurotypical where they are involved. So when I talked with them, I couldn’t even tell them what was really going on with me. It was like when I was a child in trouble with my parents all over again. So I just went with the script of shame, I didn’t defend myself or advocate for myself I just let them be mad at me and tell me how awful I am. I didn’t waste time trying to explain what was going on in my head or why I struggle with these kind of situations. I just agreed that I was wrong while in my head berating myself for being a terrible unprofessional person who shouldn’t be in business for himself. Because I am, right.

Well not exactly.

What I experienced is called Demand Avoidance, and it is something that neurodivergent people struggle with all the time.

According to authors Koegel, Singh and Koegel in their 2010 research paper ”Frustration and Task Avoidance in Students with Autism Spectrum Disorder”, they discuss how it is common for autistic students to shut down when presented with stressful and difficult tasks. While this article was written about autistic children and task avoidance, the reality is that autistic children grow up to be autistic adults. I am not citing this as an excuse, but it is a reminder that I am not alone when it comes to this type of situation.

Autistic people may avoid demands or situations that trigger anxiety or sensory overload, disrupt routines, involve transitioning from one activity to another, and activities/events that they don’t see the point of or have any interest in.

They may refuse, withdraw, ‘shutdown’ or escape in order to avoid these things.

For those who work with or help autistic children and adults, helpful approaches include addressing sensory issues, helping them adjust to new situations (for instance by using visuals or social stories), keeping to a predictable routine as much as possible, and giving them plenty of notice about any changes and help them know that sometimes, avoiding the task or situation might be the right thing to do.

This was not an easy thing to walk through, and honestly, maybe I should not be in business for myself if things like this can happen. That or I need someone to be in business with me who understands my autism and can come alongside me in those moments and help me through it. I have that at work, people who are safe that I can go to when I need support.

As hard as this is right now, I know that everything is going to be okay. Everything in me is telling me that I need to give up any dreams of starting a business or working for myself in the future. But I won’t. I know that I got in my own way today, and I will get in my own way again. But I can’t give up. This is not the death of my vision, but it is a very painful lesson. I can do this I just can’t do this alone. I don’t know how, but I need to find people I can be myself around, people who can partner with me and dream with me. People who will make space for the best and worst of who I am. I have begun to find those people, I just need to invite them to play a larger role in my life if they want to.

My dreams are still possible, this is not the end. Even though it feels like it today.

So this was a bit real, possibly too real but I know I am not alone in this. If you have ever gone through a similar situation I would love to hear from you. You can find me on instagram @mrmaxwellteaches, or @samumaxwell.

Alright friends it’s time for your next adventure,

I’ll miss you

Unmasking (Recorded)

I recently watched the movie Luca, a movie about identity and how we often hide that identity from the world. Warning there are spoilers in this post so if you haven’t seen it, go watch it and then come back. I’m not going to get into the details of the story but basically the story is about a young sea monster named Luca who lives in the ocean near a town in Italy. He befriends another sea monster named Alberto, and discovers that on land they can transform to look like normal humans. They have adventures in a town that hates and fears sea monsters which forces them to constantly be on guard against someone discovering what they truly are.

At the climax of the story, Luca reveals his true self to the townspeople. In that scene, two old women reveal they are also sea monsters to the town as well. What struck me about this moment was that throughout the movie, we see these two old ladies walking around town living their lives. No one in town knew the truth about their identity. I realized that they had lived their entire lives in hiding, never letting anyone know who they were. A crucial part of their identity was hidden from the world, which caused them to live in isolation while being surrounded by people. They looked human, but they were not. To reveal who they truly were would most likely have resulted in death. They spent their entire lives in fear and hiding.

I was diagnosed autistic last year, along with Lupus, a chronic autoimmune disease. While undiagnosed I also have ADHD. After a lifetime of feeling like I didn’t belong to the world I lived in I finally understood why. It was like Loki discovering that he was actually a frost giant or if I had been raised human only to discover that I was actually a sea monster or from another planet. I say this because when I learned that I was autistic so many things about myself made sense, I realized that the labels I had lived under were wrong. I was able to make adjustments to how I lived my life and work with who I am instead of wasting time trying to be “normal”.

Now that I have discovered the truth about myself, I have a choice. I can leave my fidgets, headphones and sensory friendly clothes at home and walk out the door pretending to be just another healthy neurotypical. I can avoid posting things on social media about autism, Lupus or ADHD. Or I can be honest about who and I am and live my life. Openly. Honestly. Authentically.

I don’t want to be like those old ladies, I don’t want to live in hiding.

So I posted my diagnoses on my profile pages, I began to share my story both in my personal life and my professional life. I am a teacher and every time I see a student’s head lift a little higher when they see me being openly autistic, openly ADHD, openly living with an autoimmune disease it gives me the courage to try and share a little bit more. Every time I see a parent realize that their child will be okay after meeting me and hearing my story I am convinced that the more I share, the more people I can bring hope to. Because my life is not only about me (philosophy #4).

Whatever you are going though, there are probably at least three other people dealing with the same thing. When you are open about who you are and what your struggles are you give others courage to do the same. You put yourself in a position to spread hope to a world in desperate search of it.

Alright friends it’s time for your next adventure,

I’ll miss you

Weird

Should you change yourself to match (be more like) others because you are considered weird?

No.

You were made who you are the way you are for a reason. I have lived my entire life being considered weird by what felt like everyone around me, and for a little while I tried to be “normal”. It was a disaster. I didn’t make more friends, and the people I did manage to gather around me were not real friends at all. I couldn’t blame them, I was being fake so I deserved to gain fake friends. That’s the biggest problem with changing who you are. You end up with a life that drains you of life, because all of your energy is used up trying to be what others want you to be and trying to then maintain the lie. Not worth it.

If there ever moments when I was great at what I did as a teacher, it was because of who I am not who i pretend to be.

Your greatest accomplishments, your best friendships will only come from your authentic self. Man, I sound like a self-help book. But seriously, your “weirdness” is what makes you great. The world needs you, exactly the way you are. Will you be everyone’s cup of tea? Of course not. But even if only %1 of the world’s population accepted you, that is still well over a million people. Steve Jobs was weird, George Washington was weird, Aristotle was weird, Hirohito Araki is weird. But what they created, what they did impacted thousands if not millions of lives.

Don’t waste your time blending in, you’re not an ice cube.

I hope this was useful, feel free to send me any other random questions that pop into your brain.

Time for your next adventure,

I’ll miss you

Human Relationships (Recorded)

I recently had a friend ask me if they should stay with (or around) people who say they care about them, but don’t show it.

This is a tricky one. Humans and human relations are complicated, at least for me. So as with most of my answers, it depends. For example, I have friends who say they care about me but often don’t show it. I would say that I am still friends with them, but I don’t break my back trying to connect with them. If I don’t see them for months, that’s okay. I just don’t cling to the idea of us being close friends. You can have a friendly connection with someone without them being your best friend. In reality, we have various levels of relationships in our lives and we need them all.

You should have close friends, friends and colleagues in your life. You will often have more colleagues or acquaintances than friends, and more friends than close friends.

We have some people in our lives who are close friends, like the one you call when something awesome or awful happens or for no reason at all. They are the ones who hold you when you cry, make you feel safe/ free to be who you are and will get in your way if they truly feel that you are doing something that might hurt yourself. Never let those people go, they are the ones who would walk through fire for you. These are the friendships that have no (or nearly no) boundaries.

Next we have the friends we see on a regular basis at social events, work or school. They are the friends who are fun to be around, you love them and they love you but are not the ones you rely on for the serious things in life. You might not be able to tell them everything, and that’s okay. They are still your friends, there are just some boundaries to the friendship. You never know, when a true crisis hits some of them might turn out to be more on your side than you realize.

Then we have people we see at events, work or school who we are cool with, but we’re not gonna try and hang out with them outside of where we normally see them. These people are more colleagues or acquaintances then friends. Again, nothing wrong with that. Those people make our obligations (work, school) and community more enjoyable. Again, there may be times when they surprise you. I have had people in my life that I thought were just acquaintances who stepped up and cared for me when no one else was able to.

The person you choose to date or spend the rest of your life with is in an entirely different category. If I was dating someone, and they did not show that they cared about me, I would break off the relationship, suggest that what we have is more of a friend thing. Who you date and ultimately marry is one of the most important relationships you will ever have. I have been married for 15 years, and my wife and I have been together for 18 years, known each other for 20 years. Think about that. 20 years of my life has had Mrs. Maxwell in it. Our marriage is one of the most important parts of my life. So if I felt that she was starting to not care for me, I would try and talk with her about it, I would also examine myself to see if there is something that I have done to damage the relationship. It is always easier to look at what the other person is doing wrong in a relationship than to see where have gone off track. Sometimes it isn’t you, but in most cases you need to at least pause to see if there is anything you need to work on. I know that I left a lot out here, maybe down the road we can have a better conversation about dating and marriage.

Now with family, like parents and siblings, there really is only so much you can do. You can choose to cut them out of your life, but this is a very serious step and I would recommend that you have very good reasons for doing so. Sometimes it is the only course, but never one to take rashly. Frankly, once you are out living your own life you will only see your family as often as you want.

While all of these relationships matter, I would argue that the most important one is with yourself. Take the time to know who your are, love and accept who you are while challenging yourself to grow. Be honest about who and where you are in life. If you are comfortable with yourself, then how will you know what part of you to defend? If you don’t care for yourself, why bother getting upset when other people don’t treat you well? Know who you are, know your worth. Everything starts with you.

Let me know if this was helpful if you have any other questions I might try and tackle for you.

It’s time for your next adventure, I’ll talk to you soon.

-Sam

Causing Harm (Recorded)

I once had a friend ask me this question: How do I understand (know) if I are causing harm to others?

This was difficult for me to answer because honestly, I don’t always know. I had to learn social norms by trial and error, getting into trouble or making people angry with me because I did not fully understand the impact my actions had on those around me. People are complicated, and for those of us who struggle to understand the intricacies of human relations it can be very frustrating.

I have often caused harm or hurt someone’s feelings and not known it. I had to be told. While we can not always know if what we are doing or saying is harmful, I believe what is more important is what we do once we know that we have caused harm. If someone becomes upset, we need to let go of our pride and ask if we said/ did something that hurt them. We need to be willing to apologize and ask for forgiveness, even if in our minds we were not doing anything wrong or unkind. What hurts one person may not hurt someone else.

I feel like I should have a clever maxim or something to wrap this up, but I don’t. Maybe a pithy saying that could go on a t-shirt or cat poster. Ah well, such is life. Bottom line, you are going to mess up human interactions, and that’s okay. Remember that when you are asking others for forgiveness, forgive yourself too.